so much going on.. got stupied.. need advice

[Damaged.Defected]

ok well first I havnt been on here in like forever.. because my one EX Justin I moved in with him and he started controling me and would smack me and I miscarried a baby because he let his little brother kick me in the stomach... so finally I up and left.. got tired of it.. went back home to my parents house got with this other guy from florida right after Justin.. and now he got in me in a whole world of stuff.. his name is John. we was doing great.. at first.. never fought.. he was my best friend for almost 5 years. I thought I could trust him.. he moved up here to michigan from florida.. and we moved in with my sister.. well they did not get along.. so we ended up moving further away from my family.. and he would turn into a jerk whenever I went and seen my family.. I got a checking account.. so that way I can start saving money and being more responsible.. well he wanted money, money money, and wanted his ciggrettes and beer and whanted me to wright the check over for however much I could and give him the cash.. well I thought I had finally had it right.. so I would do anything for him.. except I didnt want to ruian my credit.. and everything.. I was trying to get astablished in life.. well if I didnt wright checks out he would start hitting me.. at first it would just hurt and leave a red mark.. and it was to much.. so I didnt think nothing of it.. well he started hitting me more and more.. and harder everything and over and over again.. got so many bruises.. well I ended up getting arrested... on july 20th for doing what HE WANTED me to do.. and what he was MAKING me do.. I couldnt just up and leave with him.. I was to inlove with him.. and I was so so so scared.. well I asked him if he was gonna stick by me and he said yes.. all the way.. (well that was a lie)... i sat in jail for a day.. and now I am looking at a felony.. because of him.. and me being stupied and falling so deep inlove.. he is 33 and I am 20.. I should of known better you know?.. there is only 1 thing guys are after anyways.. right?.. well anyways.. things kept getting worse with him hitting me. he left seriously bad brusises.. ( have a point why i stayed will get to in a min.) well on the first he just up and left while I was out running errands.. and doing what had to be done.. well got home around 4 pm just to see EVERYTHING of his was gone.. I got so bad.. I punched the wall.. our 3 month ann was coming up on the 3rd.. and well I tried calling him.. and he kept ignoreing me.. I was getting mad... well I didnt hear from him for a few days then I got a text message saying I was hitting around about wanting him to leave.. (and I wasnt) just because I wantede him to stop hitting me.. and I kept telling him to stop or he would hurt the baby.. and well I didnt tell him right out I was pregnent.. but that was hints right?.. esspecially when I was serious about it.. I was gonna tell him on our 3 month anniversery that I was pregnent and he was gonna be a daddy.. well... I got ahold of him at his "NEW" g/f house who was a friend.. or I should say fience.. he is gonna marry her.. blah.. well he didnt believe it and thinks I was lying about it.. well on the 6th of aug.. I ended up in the hospital.. because of SO much pain.. and I started bleeding.. and was cold.. well I went in.. and found out I miscarried due to stress. BUT if i would not of miscarried I would of had to abort it.. because they did blood work and found out I got hipitis.. I gjust got it within the last 6-8 weeks.. (that was 2 weeks ago almost). well I am trying to tell john this and he needs to get checked out.. because I could of only got it from him.. I was perfectly healthy before him.. and then once we did a relaitonship.. now I am sick.. well anyways.. went to court yesturday.. nothign happened got a lawyer assingned to me.. and I go back to count on sept 5th.. and OMG I am so scared.. the weird thing is.. John ALWAYS said (whenever he hit me) that quote "This is gonna hurt me more then it hurts you" I am like EXCUSE me how in the heck is that.. I am the one getting brusises and crap.. well my parents made me make out a report on John.. and got pics of the bruises.. and everything.. and there is a warrent out for his arrest.. domestic abuse.. I want to drop charges.. cause I am so deeply inlove with him.. I wrote new poems.. I will have to post them later.. I wrote so many for him..but now I am just so confused.. because he would also say that he is in love with me.. the night bfore he left he told me he loved meand was inlove with me and was gonna marry me someday adn the next day he is gone?... and I tried to give him what he wanted.. a baby.... and I get pregnent and he ups and leaved and then i miscarry... it is so hard.. I know I am kinda rambling.. I just am so confused and need advice.. geez I really know how to pick them.. I seem to ALWAYS get the jerks who beat on you.. I am giving up on love.. and all that good stuff... I guess with the whole thing of a felony.. (i am so scared of) med school and stuff is out of the question.. it sucks.. my life is ruianed.. over a dang guy.. this is by far the worst relationship I even been in.. they seem to get worst and worst everytime I get into a relationship.. am I like ment to be in crappy relationships or what?.. I am 20 years old.. I guess I just dont seem to fully understand anything anymore
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Heather Rose